An Assortment of Overpaid Nincompoops
After spending a copious number of weeks trawling through the Interweb watching clips and horrific pics as well as using the massive dome (or Yamhead) that is my brain, a list of ugliest footballers has been compiled for entertainment purposes with admirable support from the Capin of 136 (nice one pale Hitler)
These are the unlucky or lucky shortlisted candidates vying for the prestigious crown of Butterz Footballer:
# 1 – Michael Reiziger. Frankfurters, Leslie Ash and Obie Trice’s long lost brother are some of the nicknames associated with the discus lipped former Barca and Middlesborough player.
# 2 -Peter Beardsley.Rumour has it that the former England and Newcastle man’s party trick is to a balance a pint, newborn baby and a Tyrannosaurus Rex on his valley like chin. Why do you think those two nymphs are pouting instead planting a smacker on his cheeks?
#3 – Joleon Lescott. If I was Jo-leon I would take the barber to the High Court to answer two charges 1) having a shapeup done like a square stencil template was used on his forehead and 2) planting an illegal allotment patch on the front of his head. Cabbage Patch Kids aren’t even human and they have more hair…What an Ugly Bastard.
# 4 – Franck Ribery. Controversial choice….close sources tell me he was involved in an accident which left him looking like Two Face’s stunt double. Yet, he still managed to pull an underage bimbo….albeit in the dark.
# 5 Stephen Ireland. – “ An Olive short of a full Pizza” a rather apt sentiment from an African brudda of mine regarding the talented but delusional former International player.
# 6 – Carlos Salcido. Looks like he should be back in the Stone Age and his overgrowing hairline will encapsulate his face one day a la Chewbacca one day.
# 7 – Luke Chadwick. Played against Bayern Munchen in the Olympic “stadion” a few years back. Now he’s at MK Dons. Will probably fulfil his childhood ambition to be a redneck shortly.
# 8 – Ronaldinho. Former world player of the year at Barca now he’s joined his rightful place amongst the Geriatric Gang in Milan…anyone fancy a skillful Gummy Bear?
# 9 – Tom Huddlestone. Huddlestein- a modern day offspring of Ms Shelley’s famous fictional tale is a simple lad, who rumour has it shoots from distance due to suffering from a chronic migraine condition whenever he enters the opposition penalty area.
# 10 – Rob Earnshaw Wales’ 2nd most tanned celebrity to Gavin Henson was reportedly practising his infamous somersault celebration in the womb at 6 months. Alas greater emphasis on goal celebrations rather than putting them away has contributed to a King Edward Potato head….tragic.
# 11 – Durk Kuyt. Sloth from the Goonies football playing doppelganger shares similar traits with his cinematic sibling….They’re both ugly as sin and one has wood shavings for hair.
# 12 – Pascal Cygan. Bold, Bashful and Bollocks. This left footed Frenchman was so “good” for Arsenal he left for La Liga team Villareal keeping Arsenal in the black in the same process as well. To this day it remains one of the worlds unsolved mysteries next to “why are football pundit Garth Crook’s eyes so luminous in the light of day?”
# 13 – Francis Jeffers. From the famous Everton academy of pikeys, the prequel to Shrek a.k.a Trophy eared Frannie earned one cap for England and blagged his dodgy barnet to Highbury after Henry infamously cried to Wenger about a “fox in the box” in the aftermath of the Gunners FA Cup final loss to Jeffers boyhood club rivals.
# 14 – Jose Bosingwa. Play for one of the richest clubs in the world? CHECK Earn in excess of 60 k per week CHECK? Injured at work and missed the majority of last season? CHECK Then why the fuck can you not afford some tweezers or sellotape to remove the Unibrow Bridge just above your eyes….PLONKER.
# 15 – El Hadji Diouf. Has anyone said a nice thing about this swollen faced peroxide haired bubba lipped wannabe gangster reject since he’s arrived in England? If the answer is YES gimme your address and I shall ensure the men in white coats are at your gaff within the hour.
Who would be in your list? Vote for candidates from the ugly shortlist via commenting on the post and if you have any additions for the list add them in the comment section below stating why.